Difficult Conversations by Douglas Stone

2024-07-31

https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/774088.Difficult_Conversations

A Landscape of Sometimes Hard-to-Find Feelings

Love: Affectionate, caring, close, proud, passionate
Anger: Frustrated, exasperated, enraged, indignant
Hurt: Let down, betrayed, disappointed, needy
Shame: Embarrassed, guilty, regretful, humiliated, self-loathing
Fear: Anxious, terrified, worried, obsessed, suspicious
Self-Doubt: Inadequate, unworthy, inept, unmotivated
Joy: Happy, enthusiastic, full, elated, content
Sadness: Bereft, wistful, joyless, depressed
Jealousy: Envious, selfish, covetous, anguished, yearning
Gratitude: Appreciative, thankful, relieved, admiring
Loneliness: Desolate, abandoned, empty, longing

Feelings

• Describe feelings
• Acknowledge feelings
• Only after acknowledging, move on to problem solving
• Don't short circuit feelings

Identity

• There is no quick fix. Grappling with identity issues is what life and growth are all about, and no amount of love or accomplishment or skill can insulate you from these challenges.
• The biggest factor that contributes to a vulnerable identity is "all-or-nothing" thinking (explained in detail in book Feeling Good by David Burns)
• Complexify your identity. This means moving away from the false choice between “I am perfect” and “I am worthless,” and trying to get as clear a picture as you can about what is actually true about you. As for everyone, what is true about you is going to be a mix of good and bad behavior, noble and less noble intentions, and wise and unwise choices you’ve made along the way

Learning Conversation

• There are three stories: Third Story, Their Story, Your Story
• Think like a mediator, initiate the conversation from the Third Story to include both perspectives and invite joint exploration
• Learn to agree that you and the other person see things differently
• Making requests example (Asking for a raise): Don’t make it a demand. Instead, invite an exploration of whether a raise is fair, whether it makes sense. That’s not being unassertive, that’s being in better touch with reality. Your boss has information about you and your colleagues that you don’t have. It may sound like nitpicking, but in fact you can’t know that you deserve a raise until you’ve explored the issue with your boss

What to Talk About: The Three Conversations

• Explore where each story comes from
• Share the impact on you
• Take responsibility for your contribution
• Describe feelings
• Reflect on the identity issues

Problem Solving

Reframing

• Truth -> Different stories
• Accusations -> Intentions and Impact
• Blame -> Contribution
• Judgements, characterizations -> Feelings
• What's wrong with you -> What's going on with them

You can’t move the conversation in a more positive direction until the other person feels heard and understood. And they won’t feel heard and understood until you’ve listened. When the other person becomes highly emotional, listen and acknowledge. When they say their version of the story is the only version that makes sense, paraphrase what you’re hearing and ask them some questions about why they think this. If they level accusations against you, before defending yourself, try to understand their view.

Putting it all together

1. Prepare by Walking Through the Three Conversations

• What's my story?
• What's his story?
• My intentions
• Impact on me
• His intentions?
• Impact on him?
• What did I contribute?
• What did he contribute?
• Explore the bundle of emotions I experience
• What's at stake about my identity?

2. Check Your Purposes and Decide Whether to Raise It
   What do I hope to accomplish? Shift your stance to support learning, sharing, and problem-solving.
   Is this the best way to address the issue and achieve your purposes? Is the issue really embedded in your Identity Conversation? Can you affect the problem by changing your contributions? If you don’t raise it, what can you do to help yourself let go?

3. Start from the Third Story
   Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. Include both viewpoints as a legitimate part of the discussion.
   Share your purposes.
   Invite them to join you as a partner in sorting out the situation together.

4. Explore Their Story and Yours
   Listen to understand their perspective on what happened. Ask questions. Acknowledge the feelings behind the arguments and accusations. Paraphrase to see if you’ve got it. Try to unravel how the two of you got to this place.
   Share your own viewpoint, your past experiences, intentions, feelings.
   Reframe, reframe, reframe to keep on track. From truth to perceptions, blame to contribution, accusations to feelings, and so on

5. Problem Solving
   Invent options that meet each side’s most important concerns and interests.
   Look to standards for what should happen. Keep in mind the standard of mutual caretaking; relationships that always go one way rarely last.
   Talk about how to keep communication open as you go forward.

#book